Some background before we get to present day: On April 29th, I took my NCE exam to become SC LPC licensed upon graduation in August. With 60 questions left and well passing, my test terminated without warning. An excruciating 3-day wait to know why revealed 1) I had forgotten to take off my apple watch, and 2) my proctor was unable to warn me due to connection/computer difficulties that I still do not understand.
I appealed the test termination and waited an excruciating 45 days (without being able to talk to a single person) to hear that my appeal attempt was rejected. This means my exam counted as a fail, I had to wait until October for a test retake, and my estimated wait to practice after graduation would be six months.
The summer months following were let's just say not pretty. I was not waiting well. I knew God had a plan, I knew something as crazy as this could only be allowed for a reason, but why? And I was mad. While I would repeatedly hear, maybe you need rest before starting your new career, an incredible anxious-ridden foreboding fell over me from May to July.
A two-month wait of a suspicious finding on a mammogram, followed by a second confirmed mammogram and ultrasound, followed by a confirmed biopsy brought about the words no one wants to hear. What followed was a nine-day wait to know how much cancer, followed by a 17-day wait for bilateral mastectomy surgery to remove cancer and lower the potential for further recurrence and worry, then an 8-day wait to know if the cancer was lymphatic (results were thankfully negative). I originally thought from here we could finish up this 4-6 week cancer-free recovery, look ahead to my final implant surgery, and forget this whole thing by year's end.
If you're still with me, let's pause for a moment and look at the timing of all this. That is no coincidence, but God's hand and intervention because I did need rest, more than I could have ever guessed.
What I'm learning about a cancer diagnosis, is that it is a complex (vicious may be a better word) beast that does not let go easily. It is a diagnosis full of roller coaster waiting, and just when you think the ride is over and your ready to get off, the bar does not release and the ride continues.
Present Day: I told myself I would write "in" the struggle and be vulnerable, so here goes. What a biopsy and MRI showed as 6 separate microscopic tumors in my right breast, surgery revealed the tumors were connected. Post-op diagnostics also revealed that cancer was still in my nipple they'd planned to spare. This all means I am not cancer-free and Chemo is back on the table as I wait for the next test result and step.
Unsettling.
Discouraging.
Will I ever be cancer free? And If I become cancer-free, will it just be for a time?
There's that fear again that tries its best to take hold and steal my peace.
Waiting is tortuous because it is full of uncertainty. As Christians, there will always be uncertainty in this life, but we can rest in what we know is certain.
No matter what comes:
I know my God is good.
Mark 10:18 And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone."
I know my days are ordained.
Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
I know God is with me.
Matthew 28:20b ...And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.
I know God will use even this thing.
Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
I know the ending.
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.